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My closest friend is deeply in love with me personally. Therefore now Sue is extremely hurt and seems betrayed.

Every our relationship expert, Sarah Abell, answers readers’ questions on emotional issues week.

7:00AM GMT 15 Mar 2011

Several years ago my closest friend, Sue, said she had dropped in love beside me and I also brushed her off saying, “I don’t feel exactly the same way, you’re my closest friend, I’m straight”. She is at the full time and is still in a committed relationship with kids. We stayed close friends throughout the years with durations where she’d distance themself from our relationship however we’d make contact with being ok once more, at the least, I was thinking we did.

Sue now tells me she’s got been in love beside me the time that is entire has struggled whenever I’ve held it’s place in relationships, that have for ages been with dudes. Fast-forward to now and I also find myself in my own very very very first relationship with a woman also it is actually with Sue’s extremely friend that is best of two decades. We don’t understand why it just happened nonetheless it did and it’s good.

She ended up being waiting for me personally to truly have the “ah ha” moment and realize I happened to be supposed to be along with her.

Together with only reason she thought over time that individuals weren’t together had been because i might never ever desire to be with a lady. She blames me for the design her relationship has been doing when it comes to previous years and she feels that I’ve led her on when it comes to time that is entire.

Sue is quite mad beside me and I also do not know simple tips to navigate the specific situation. She desires distance, that I have but i will be extremely aggravated too at having lost her relationship. She informs me she’s working on her behalf relationship and household now and if it gets better, we are able to be buddies later on. We come together and so I see her each day. And her relationship together with her friend that is best hasn’t changed; it is simply ours, that is the issue. Do any advice is had by you on the best way to salvage this relationship?

What a messy situation! I must state reading your page I happened to be reminded to be fifteen once once again whenever my friends and I also talked about “best friends”, had crushes, got jealous occasionally whenever buddies dated one another and would see red in case a mate produced move on somebody we liked. You aren’t teens navigating the turbulent waters of unrequited love, raging hormones and testing the boundaries of relationship I say it, should know better– you are grown women – who dare. In the place of using the passive approach of thinking this really is one thing taking place for your requirements if you and Sue took some responsibility for your own actions and behaviour– I think it would be more productive.

Let’s focus on Sue. She’s in “a committed relationship with kiddies” and blames you for the bad state of her relationship along with her partner. If this woman is in a committed relationship – why was she pursuing you for several these years anyhow particularly if you informed her you weren’t interested? You can easily blame other individuals nevertheless the the fact is Sue permitted her feelings so that you can digest her and she, maybe not you, accounts for their state of her relationship together with her household.

You meanwhile appear unacquainted with why Sue might be upset and feel enraged that you have got lost her friendship. If you’re intent on salvaging this relationship you need to you will need to realize her emotions and stay truthful concerning the component you played in producing this current situation. Think about truthfully whether you ever did any such thing to lead her on – knowing as you did that she had intimate emotions for you? Could your intimacy or friendliness have already been interpreted as flirtation? Can you have put up better boundaries around your relationship? You caused if you answered “yes” – consider apologising to Sue for any upset.

You don’t mention exactly just just how Sue discovered regarding the brand new relationship but if it ended up beingn’t away from you straight – think of just how that made her feel. Have actually you attempted to reveal to her just how you abruptly became drawn to a lady (specially one that is her companion) whenever for a lot of years you stated you might never fancy somebody of your personal sex? Once you understand the reality may help her to know a small better.

Exactly what does your partner that is new think the problem?

It appears amazing that her relationship with Sue has remained unscathed. Did she maybe perhaps not understand that Sue was at love she made her move with you before? But, as Sue is not upset along with her, possibly she could help to re-build your relationship. Take to asking on her behalf insights on Sue’s responses and maybe some suggested statements on exactly exactly what might enhance things.

My suggestion should be to speak to Sue, apologise if you wish to and talk about means of moving forward along with your relationship and working relationship. However it maybe that Sue can’t or move that is won’t using this. If that may be the ful situation – you have got no option but to respect her emotions also to keep her to re-build her relationships. Sometimes readiness is once you understand when you should keep well alone.

* CONTACT SARAH ABELL

* Please send your concerns on relationship and psychological dilemmas to Sarah Abell, The day-to-day Telegraph, 111 Buckingham Palace path, London, SW1W 0DT, or e-mail sarah. Abell@telegraph.co.uk. Concerns should not be any more than 100 terms and may suggest if you can find any details you wouldn’t normally want incorporated into printing. Sarah will read every page but regrets them individually that she cannot reply to.

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